"A Deeper Level" in the massive collection UNTIL YOU CAN SCREAM NO MORE!
(more than 50 stories, only 99 cents!) or in audio in GREEN RIVER CRIME STORIES
(more than 50 stories, only 99 cents!) or in audio in GREEN RIVER CRIME STORIES
That girl or guy from back in the day …
***
What?
You really think you should have married her?
Or, more realistically, you should at least have acknowledged how you really felt?
Yeah, that. Surely that at least.
***
Life ends up fine for most of us.
We build our little world, get on with it.
But still, you can’t help asking:
What if?
What if?
What if?
***
The girl in “A Deeper Level” isn’t even one specific girl.
In real life, to list just a few, there was:
The perfect girl I had that painful years-long crush on, who made a decent amount of overtures, but we were from wildly different social strata.
The girl who apologized twenty-five years later.
The girl I’m glad didn’t get pregnant. Her life seems fine now, but what were we thinking?
The girl in college who I unfairly dumped just because it got too scary - as in way too real - way too fast.
The girl who ghosted me at exactly the wrong point and I was afraid of relationships for a long, long time.
The girl who … yeah, wow, turned out she was married. Alrighty then.
The girl who, no, I’ll never forget that lovely long weekend in bed but it would never have worked out much beyond that.
The girl who was a little too young for me.
The girl who was a little too old for me.
The girl who really liked me and would have been fun enough, but where was the mystery, the challenge?
The girl who was my best friend for so long and she knew the real me and, yeah, she would have straightened me out eventually - I really believe it - but, at that point in my life, my messed up side won out and … wow, did I ever screw that one up! These days we leave each other birthday greetings on Facebook.
***
Who am I trying to kid?
“A Deeper Level” is about that last girl.
***
Through high school and my teen years, I was two distinct people.
My Dungeons & Dragons, straight A nerd side.
And my too-cool-to-care chemical-enthusiast street kid side.
It was Metallica and Guns n’ Roses for my public party persona and then I’d stumble home and hide in my room and write self-absorbed poetry to The Smiths and The Cure.
The Guns n’ Roses side got me in a lot of trouble - and got most of the girls on the list.
The GnR side won out for far too long.
And I still sometimes do battle with my inner Axl Rose.
The chill side - more Phish festival than mopey Morrissey these days - eventually emerged victorious, however, because I’m not dead and I’m not in jail and while it can sometimes take a damned long time, I still write faster than Axl produces albums.
***
I wrote “A Deeper Level” in no more than a night or two while working third shift in a group home for disabled people - my job was basically to stay awake, and writing helped that.
I wrote it during a time of reflection when I was realizing I could give up my more self-destructive side, and I’m deeply grateful to the story for helping me with that. Hopefully readers find something in it too.
The story sold to a small Halloween-themed anthology - it was the lead story, in fact - and it’s a tale that I’m particularly proud of.
I put this in my Green River Crime Stories audio collection, but I’ll be honest; it’s not heavily crime or horror. It’s crime because every street kid I hung out with was a little bit thuggy - you had to be - and it’s horror because what happens toward the end of the story is pretty horrible.
But either way, it’s among my favorites of my own work because, even though it’s fiction, the story itself is about as true as it gets.
On many levels.
And for me, you can’t do better than that, mining that deeper truth, in fiction or in real life.
***
What?
You really think you should have married her?
Or, more realistically, you should at least have acknowledged how you really felt?
Yeah, that. Surely that at least.
***
Life ends up fine for most of us.
We build our little world, get on with it.
But still, you can’t help asking:
What if?
What if?
What if?
***
The girl in “A Deeper Level” isn’t even one specific girl.
In real life, to list just a few, there was:
The perfect girl I had that painful years-long crush on, who made a decent amount of overtures, but we were from wildly different social strata.
The girl who apologized twenty-five years later.
The girl I’m glad didn’t get pregnant. Her life seems fine now, but what were we thinking?
The girl in college who I unfairly dumped just because it got too scary - as in way too real - way too fast.
The girl who ghosted me at exactly the wrong point and I was afraid of relationships for a long, long time.
The girl who … yeah, wow, turned out she was married. Alrighty then.
The girl who, no, I’ll never forget that lovely long weekend in bed but it would never have worked out much beyond that.
The girl who was a little too young for me.
The girl who was a little too old for me.
The girl who really liked me and would have been fun enough, but where was the mystery, the challenge?
The girl who was my best friend for so long and she knew the real me and, yeah, she would have straightened me out eventually - I really believe it - but, at that point in my life, my messed up side won out and … wow, did I ever screw that one up! These days we leave each other birthday greetings on Facebook.
***
Who am I trying to kid?
“A Deeper Level” is about that last girl.
***
Through high school and my teen years, I was two distinct people.
My Dungeons & Dragons, straight A nerd side.
And my too-cool-to-care chemical-enthusiast street kid side.
It was Metallica and Guns n’ Roses for my public party persona and then I’d stumble home and hide in my room and write self-absorbed poetry to The Smiths and The Cure.
The Guns n’ Roses side got me in a lot of trouble - and got most of the girls on the list.
The GnR side won out for far too long.
And I still sometimes do battle with my inner Axl Rose.
The chill side - more Phish festival than mopey Morrissey these days - eventually emerged victorious, however, because I’m not dead and I’m not in jail and while it can sometimes take a damned long time, I still write faster than Axl produces albums.
***
I wrote “A Deeper Level” in no more than a night or two while working third shift in a group home for disabled people - my job was basically to stay awake, and writing helped that.
I wrote it during a time of reflection when I was realizing I could give up my more self-destructive side, and I’m deeply grateful to the story for helping me with that. Hopefully readers find something in it too.
The story sold to a small Halloween-themed anthology - it was the lead story, in fact - and it’s a tale that I’m particularly proud of.
I put this in my Green River Crime Stories audio collection, but I’ll be honest; it’s not heavily crime or horror. It’s crime because every street kid I hung out with was a little bit thuggy - you had to be - and it’s horror because what happens toward the end of the story is pretty horrible.
But either way, it’s among my favorites of my own work because, even though it’s fiction, the story itself is about as true as it gets.
On many levels.
And for me, you can’t do better than that, mining that deeper truth, in fiction or in real life.
"A Deeper Level" appears
in the massive collection UNTIL YOU CAN SCREAM NO MORE!
(more than 50 stories, only 99 cents!)
or in audio in
GREEN RIVER CRIME STORIES
in the massive collection UNTIL YOU CAN SCREAM NO MORE!
(more than 50 stories, only 99 cents!)
or in audio in
GREEN RIVER CRIME STORIES